I sit here relaxing, listening to music and contemplating the future, life and relationships. It all seems so crazy how people come together, enjoy time and then slip away each to their own destiny never to share those special moments again. It is incredible how one person can so become ingrained in the very fabric of your soul. How does that happen? How do you fix it and move on? Some find it easier than others I suppose.
I feel so damn lost…and hurt…and…still in disbelief that all the dreams we shared disappeared like mist in the morning sun. So many things I do not understand and never will and it does not matter. Nothing would change if I knew or understood. That is only me wanting to hold on to hope for something that is gone. Letting go is tough.
Maybe it is easier if you choose to focus on the harsh moments, the pain and the bitterness. Kind of a Grapes of Wrath thing. I don’t know. For me, though, I loved and loved deeply, truly I think and the best I could. I am trying to cope and let go without completely losing me and perhaps my sanity. I know for sure that I am as close to crazy as I have ever been now and trying to figure how and where to go from here.
Maybe it is crazy but I choose to remember the smiles and laughter, the family and the good times. I read a quote earlier by Henry David Thoreau that said “It’s not what you look at that matters; it’s what you see.” and that is so very true. I choose to see the love we shared and hold those memories dear, always. Maybe that choice makes things harder, the torment of loss stronger but that love was much too special to choose any but to recognize it for the rarity that it was and treasure it. One of her favorite past times was hunting treasures on the beach. I found my greatest treasure in her and all of those special qualities I loved about her. What can one say? Life happens. People move on.
I have learned some things about me, about love and relationships and maybe life as well. Things I probably never would have known otherwise so for that I am grateful and the opportunity I had to love. Despite the pain, our love and the memories still makes me smile. I have read that losing love is a tragedy but not allowing yourself to love again is worse and a cruel thing to do. That is probably very true and I likely will love again. Nature says it is so even if I cannot believe it right now. I still have a lot of things to work through. So. This is me. Venting to you. It will get better in time. This is the way my world needs to be right now and the Law of Compensation says it will get better. And it will.
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